It has been ages since I posted anything. The last post was over four years ago. Much has happened since. Four years ago I was still in college, a little pretentious and foolishly confident. When I read my posts from that time, I read them with a little embarrassment. And four years ago, I would have thought they were good. Well, as people say, you may have lead a perfect life but at no point in life can you look back and feel satisfied with your younger self.
Anyway, time has passed and things have happened. Life has gone on. People have become busy. Technology has made advancements. There are so many things to do on-line, I’m not even sure if people have the time to read blogs any more. Which is why I haven’t posted since then. That, and a loss of confidence.
Let me fill you in on those “missing years” of my life.
When I left college in 2012, I wanted to get into the civil services. As of this moment, in 2016, I am still preparing for the civil services. I have taken the exam twice and have come short. After college, I moved back to my home town, Burla, where I was lonely and friendless. I also went off the internet. I thought that one year of being disconnected from the world will help me concentrate for the exam. I was wrong. I ended up wasting that year with nothing much to show for it.
In 2013, I went back to Kerala and by dint of some luck ended up taking classes at a coaching institute. I also met old friends and juniors. It felt good for a while. Until I realised I wasn’t really doing anything. I wasn’t really prepared enough to take classes. And friends from college and school were beginning to settle down in their lives. Having proper jobs, acquiring things, getting married and so on. At some point of time in one’s life asking your parents for money starts getting to you. And this was that point in my life. And boy, was it hard. I decided to take exams, join for some small government job and continue with my preparations. I took the exam in March 2014, results were out by November and I joined for the job in the Department of Posts in March 2015. Having a job brings a odd confidence in you. At least in my case, it did. Probably because I was unemployed for so long. I acquired things and went on-line again. Looking back,2015 was a good year for me. Mostly because it saved me from the embarrassment of depending on my parents. Of not having an answer when people asked me about my job. I made amends and got back with my friends. But I became a little too social for my own good. I ended up wasting a lot of time. I missed the cut-offs for the CSE 2015 Mains by a few marks. I also made the mistake of taking exams for other mid-level government jobs. That was just plain greed and a very bad decision.
Which brings me to 2016. I am relatively more at peace with myself and even though, I don’t know what I want in my life, I have realised that I will never have the answer to that question. I am taking only 2 exams this year. The Odisha Civil Service exams and the UPSC Civil Service Exams. Most probably, this is going to be my final attempt at these exams. More than the studying, being in the proper frame of mind is essential for exams like the CSE. I have deactivated my Facebook account, reduced time spent on WhatsApp in an attempt to free my mind/sort out the clutter. It is working. I have taken time off work and my preparation begins in the proper sense from this week.I intend to read in my off time instead of spending that time on social media. And write a little.
Which is why I am here in the middle of the night, after a hiatus of four years, writing this post, a little unsure about the point of this article and wondering if anyone is going to read this post. Nevertheless, I intend to write and post new articles whenever I get the time.
Here’s to fresh beginnings!